By Nabila Fowles-Gutierrez, Divorce Coach & Founder of Divorce Survival 

Published on April 10, 2019  

We all know divorce is a reason for people to feel betrayed and angry. That's why, after all, they are getting divorced. Something has malfunctioned and broken beyond repair, so it's no wonder there are strong emotions, especially anger. But what most people don't seem to understand, is that anger is the wall preventing most problems from being resolved in divorce. I know. I was there, not once but twice, (true story!).  

I know better than most that decision-making and judgement are impaired by emotions and most of all anger. When I was in the thrust of proceedings, the blood boiled in my veins constantly. I was unable to sleep, eat or think without feeling like I was falling off an edge. The symptoms were not just emotional, they were physical. Dry mouth, tight chest, palpitations, shallow breathing. Toxic adrenaline and cortisol racing through me in a debilitating cocktail day and night, causing me sleep depravation, and most of all impaired thinking. Little wonder when I was asked to make an important decision, my head was unable to process the information clearly. As a fully-functioning professional in my career, it was frustratingly impossible for me to make simple decisions in my divorce without making critical errors. People observing me would see me change from a lovely person into a raging monster, blurting out a monologue of poison without taking a breath. Nasty stuff. What I didn't realise it that this anger was blinding me from being able to make clear decisions for my family, and the ones I did make, just kept making the problems worse. Instead of creating solutions, my decisions through the fog of my anger were building even bigger obstacles. As it at every juncture, I would just keep shooting myself in the foot. Behaviour of the lowest standards. Not my proudest moments in life.  

This is what most people in divorce are unable so see, and why many legal professionals highly skilled in creating legal solutions and ways forward are unable to manage in their incensed clients. They ask themselves "Why won't he/she just settle? There's a good offer on the table". The reason is blind anger. It's not about the sensible settlement, or creating a perfect court order. None of that will fix the problem. An angry client with a "perfect" settlement will not be happy, because the emotional blindfold is on tight and they are unable to see past their own feelings to consider any viable solutions. There are countless stories of epic and drawn out divorce fights, ones costing hundreds of thousands (if not millions) in legal fees. In the end, no settlement, no solutions, no ways forward. Frustration. Bankruptcy. Everyone loses. Why? Anger. Blind anger.  

This anger is not just in financial settlements, it impairs parents from being able to effectively co-parent after divorce with children stuck in the middle of a nasty war. It's vicious becoming all about a "getting one-up" situation, with parents throwing to the side any options for moving forward positively. Instead making choices that to an outsider, are quite frankly baffling, irrational and devoid of any sense of putting a child's needs first.  

But what can be done? It's not a simple task, by any means. Working with clients who are facing blind-anger scenarios takes sensitivity, empathy, patience and courage. It's not for the faint-hearted or the inexperienced. An angry response in divorce proceedings is a triggered primal reaction, I have previously described as the "Bear Reflex". Another way of looking at it is pure, unfiltered emotional pain. The manifestation of that pain is anger. These people mostly need someone to hear them out, someone not afraid of the spontaneous and uncontrollable vitriolic expulsions. Eventually, when an atmosphere of understanding and trust is developed, it is possible to help them climb out of that particular angry black hole into a sense of clarity and calm. In the hole they can only see above them, a narrow and limiting perspective. However, in the process of supporting someone to come out of the black hole they are finally able to rise above the angry fog, gain a better perspective and achieve clear thinking. When this breakthrough happens, it's one of the most powerful moments, often with a release of healing tears and even laughter, like a veil being removed - offering clarity and the ability to move in a different direction.  

If you are a legal professional and have one of those clients who is stuck, not moving forward and you dread their calls or avoid their barrage of emails, consider that they are probably up against their own angry wall. They can't see past it, and the likelihood is, that until they do, whatever solutions you offer will be disregarded and tossed aside. Until they feel heard and understood, their hollering will not cease and no matter what sensible solution you offer, they will be rejected. So, if you I've just described "that" client, don't worry, I'm here. Reach out. It might just be the br

©Divorce Survival 2019 no part of this article may be used without the Author's permission  

By Nabila Fowles-Gutierrez, Divorce Coach & Founder of Divorce Survival 

Published on March 27, 2019

Unless you have actually been through divorce, you will read this with sympathy, but you will never truly comprehend just how traumatic and devastating an event it really is. Many of my clients describe divorce as a "living death", like a never ending cascade of events that crush you from the inside, obliterate everything you knew and leave you picking up the debris of your past-life. Your past, dreams and hopes just died. It physically hurts to even remember how to dream again of your future. And in the midst of all that pain, anger, despair, you will be making some of the most important decisions about yours and your family's future. For those of you who haven't had the misfortune of this event, take it from me, twice divorced (now happily married and coaching on this stuff), the only way I can describe it, is like being dragged out of a near-fatal car crash to suddenly do complex algebra. And no, I'm not just being dramatic. This stuff is just as dangerous as a car skidding out of control on a busy motorway. People do crazy and even unthinkable things under the pressure of this perfect storm. From the outside it may indeed seem irrational or crazy, but when you live, survive and coach on this stuff, you come to realise that there is pretty much no other event that takes people to such a low. Not even bereavement. And yes. I know that sounds overly dramatic. But trust me. I'm not exaggerating!  

Whilst we hear of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin "Consciously Un-Coupling" (how lovely for them) most people I work with are not on this New-Age path to divorce enlightenment. Nothing wrong with pursuing such a noble path. However, for many, if not most, it isn't all "Kumbaya" and skipping holding hands together to enjoy the kids' nativity play. For mere mortals (the ones I know and coach), not so blessed with hippiness and spiritual virtue, it can get mad, bad and even downright ugly. Some even go to what I call "The Bear Pit"... Anyone who's been through an ugly divorce will know exactly what that means! Of course, with love, support, kindness and expert guidance, they can come out of the depths of their own personal hell and rise to heights they had never even considered!  

But let me explain a bit more about the "Bear Pit". This is what I have named the place where rules and philosophies don't count for much and things simply get down and dirty. It's the place unsupported people can end up particularly when it comes to two particular issues: children and finances. Let's face it, most people going through divorce have to work out at least one if not both of those issues, that this is where things can unravel and end up in the "Bear Pit". But so you can understand how we got here, let me first explain what I call the "Bear Reflex".  

The "Bear Reflect" is my term for a primal reaction that is normally triggered when one or both parties feel threatened by an event in divorce normally relating to children, particularly custody issues. These events provoke deep primal instincts rendering those involved virtually incapable of rational thought or behaviour. And no, I'm not talking about the kinds of people you might be tempted to jeer on daytime television. This behaviour can happen to anyone, irrespective of educational or professional status. Even those at the very top of the social tree, (lest we forget the Charles and Diana saga). My clients come from the full socio-economic range. From individuals struggling on benefits (many due to circumstances surrounding the divorce), to students and high earning professionals - doctors through to executives. Regardless of the status, when the "Bear Reflex" kicks in, behaviour can become erratic and even lead to sabotaging of viable solutions. Creating tangible goals beyond the immediate crisis and working to high standards of behaviour is one of the most important roles I have as a Divorce Coach. We make a joint pact to only accept the highest standards of behaviour for ourselves in the process. In so doing, when a client falls into the "Bear Pit", a firm yet loving reminder of their own standards. So my role, in addition to the practical & emotional support, is to ensure my clients avoid falling into the "Bear Pit" and reduce the "Bear Reflex", creating real-life coping strategies that bring them back to a sense of balance, where they can ensure their behaviour meets their own ethical and moral values.  

What I learn every day in my work, is that divorce is a perfect storm - and it's no wonder people can behave in unimaginable ways through the process. No one is ever prepared have to make life-changing decisions whilst in the middle of the most traumatic event in life. It makes perfect sense that so many people end up in crisis. So, in addition to my job, supporting clients to find their inner strength and succeed, I feel it is also my duty to highlight just how difficult it can be for all involved.  

If you see a friend struggling through divorce - and they are behaving like a mad, bad, angry bear, then you'll know it's their "Bear Reflex" kicking in. Cut them some slack. Avoid lecturing them or even offering (un)helpful advice - lend them an ear, a shoulder to cry on and remind them of who they really are. Failing that, now you know that there is someone out there able to calm screeching bears! Send them my way: nabila@divorcesurvival.co.uk or let them watch this masterclass.  

Off to help some lovely bears now!

©Divorce Survival 2019 no part of this article may be used without the Author's permission  

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